Vow of Silence Page 9

  He stopped in the doorway and turned to Heinz, handing him his card. “If you think of anything…”

  He took the card and without so much as a glance at it, shoved the contact information in his pocket.

  “Oh, and one more thing… I’m going to need a set of your fingerprints.” Now that got the guy’s attention.

  “Excuse me?”

  “To match against the binoculars I collected from Hannah’s barn. It’s strictly voluntary, of course, but seeing as how you have nothing to hide…”

  Again, those arms came up, defiantly crossing at his chest. “Am I a suspect, Detective?”

  “Everyone’s a suspect right now, Mr. Heinz. Are you refusing to provide your prints?” Joe countered, arching a quizzical brow.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “I’ve got to start eliminating people, and you seem like a good place to begin. So…with your consent, I’ll have someone from forensics stop by later this afternoon.”

  “Prints on a pair of binoculars don’t prove murder, Detective. I certainly hope ye’ve got a bigger bag of tricks than this.”

  He smiled at Heinz—a shark’s grin that was more a flash of teeth. “Oh, I’m just getting started. You haven’t seen anything yet.”

  Chapter Twelve

  If Hannah thought seeing Josiah again would give her closure, she was wrong—horribly wrong. One could convince themselves of anything if there was no one around to prove them a liar. And that’s exactly what she was. She’d lied to herself for years, pretending to be someone she wasn’t, living someone else’s life, because she’d never felt like it was her own.

  Being around Josiah last night proved she was a fraud. He made her feel things a “good” Amish woman shouldn’t and want things she couldn’t have. She could only hide behind the veil of grief for so long. Truth be told, she feared who she’d find in the place of the woman she’d once been. So much had changed since Jacob’s death. Hannah wasn’t sure she’d ever fit back into the mold she’d once forced herself into.

  All night thoughts continuously played through her mind—the what-ifs consuming her… They were still torturing her as bursts of orange and purple began to paint the early morning sky. Hannah lay there unable to work up the energy or motivation to move. She was spiraling, and every day was a little bit worse than the last. Time was doing nothing to heal the hole Cassie left in her heart. She was losing the battle. And her biggest fear? Who would be there to catch her when she fell?

  Unbidden, an image of Josiah came to mind, and just as quickly she pushed it away. He was not here for her. When this case was over, he would leave and if she didn’t protect her heart, he would break it all over again.

  With ease she replayed in her mind that fateful day eight years ago, having long memorized every second of the moment her life fell apart… Josiah was late. He was never late. Anxiety unfurled in her stomach as she watched from her bedroom window for his buggy to arrive. They were going back to their place in the lavender field by the creek. After some persistent badgering he’d finally agreed to teach her to fly fish. It was something she’d always wanted to learn but it was considered a man’s pastime and the Old Order doctrine forbid it.

  Thankfully, Josiah was more liberally minded and seemed to care more of her happiness than rules and regulation. He spoiled her, indulging her in her nontraditional desires and she was grateful to be marrying a man who would allow her to live beyond the traditional boundaries of the women in their community. She wanted to do more than garden and cook and keep house. Sure, those things were important, but there was more to life than sewing and canning.

  Any day now, she expected him to propose. She’d thought he would do it the day of the picnic on the creek shore and wondered what he was waiting for. They’d been courting for three years. A niggle of unease slithered through her—what if he was having second thoughts? What if he was changing his mind? What if he wanted a more “traditional” girl, one less forward and…bold? But she had such a difficult time controlling herself around him, her urges were strong. He was so handsome and…good. She wished she possessed some of the restraint he did. Perhaps then she wouldn’t always be getting herself into so much trouble. She should try to be more like her sister, Cassie. She was sweet, demure, and everyone’s favorite—especially da.

  Guilt needled her at the bitter bite of jealousy, and she pushed it aside. She loved her sister. Aside from Josiah she was closer to Cassie than anyone.

  The nicker of a horse calling out a greeting to the others behind the fence pulled her from her thoughts. Her heart did an excited little gallop when Josiah’s buggy pulled into the driveway. She bounded off her bed and down the stairs. He was climbing down and turning toward her when she threw herself into his arms.

  Oomph…

  She giggled as he took a step back to catch his balance, but his arms didn’t come around her and squeeze her tight. He didn’t spin her around until she cried out for him to stop because she was dizzy. Something was terribly wrong. Glancing up she noted that little muscle in his cheek tick from his tightly clenched jaw.

  Slowly, she untangled her arms from his neck and slid down his body until her toes touched the dirt. “Josiah, what’s wrong?”

  Her hear began pounding with fear. She’s never seen him like this before—so stoic, so distant…

  When he didn’t answer right away, she said, “Josiah, yer scarin’ me. What’s wrong?”

  They hadn’t seen each other for a few days, but their last day together they’d had a splendid time at the creek. The picnic he made her had been wonderful and so thoughtful. She hadn’t been able to resist letting her hair down. She’d pushed the limits of propriety with him, but he hadn’t seemed upset with her or put off. But now she was having second thoughts. Had she gone too far? Was he upset with her?

  He cleared his throat and took a step back, putting a little more distance between them, and she fought the impulse to close it, forcing her feet to stay put instead.

  “Hannah, I, uh…I came here to tell you I’m going away for a while.”

  “What?!” He had to be joking. Why would he leave? He was going to marry her.

  “Where are you going? When will you be back?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Her mind was reeling, panic scattering her thoughts. “You don’t know? What’s gotten into you? We’re taking our vows to join the church in a few weeks.”

  “I’m not taking my vows, Hannah, and I…I can’t marry you.”

  “What? Why not? Josiah, why are you doing this? Have I done something wrong?”

  A flash of pain crossed his face. He didn’t deny it. So, it was her. He changed his mind about wanting to marry her, and he was running away because it was easier than staying here and facing her and trying to work out whatever it was that was driving him away. Fighting back tears, she struggled to plead her case. “Josiah, don’t do this. I love ya. I can change. I can be more like those other women if that’s what ya want. Just don’t leave!”

  Unable to stop herself, she threw her arms around him and began to cry. He muttered a curse that caught her by surprise. Josiah never swore. Reaching behind him, he took hold of her arms and untangled them from his waist. “I’m sorry, Hannah…”

  Sorry? He’s sorry! This man was shattering her heart with no explanation, and all he could say was he’s sorry? She clung to that flicker of anger sparking inside of her and fanned it until it became a flame. It was an easier emotion to hold onto than the devastation that made her chest throb with each hammering beat of her heart.

  When she looked into his eyes, she could see he was decided. There would be no dissuading him. “Don’t do this,” she warned. “If ya leave, ye’ll regret it.”

  “I already do.”

  Then why was he doing this to her—to them? Frustration and anger ripped through her, and before she realized what she was doing, Hannah’s palm connected with his cheek. The crack startled her, and she stumbled a step back, staring at he
r bright pink palm as if it belonged to someone else. She’d never struck another person in her life…

  An apology was on the tip of her tongue, but when she glanced up to utter to words, his back was to her and he was climbing into his buggy. Air rushed from her lungs and it wouldn’t go back in as she watched him crack the reins over the rump of his horses and the buggy shot forward. As it turned the loop in the driveway, Hannah’s knees buckled, and she collapsed on the dirt, sobbing.

  Bang…Bang…Bang…

  Hannah startled at the sound and shot out of bed. After swiping at the moisture on her cheeks, she grabbed her robe off the hook by the door and pulled it over her nightgown as she ran down the stairs, working to tie the bow securely at her waist before she reached the door. She yanked it open and stood there a moment in shock.

  “What the hell do ya think yer doin’?”

  …

  The front door swung open and from the corner of his eye, Joe watched as Hannah stepped onto the porch. She looked like she’d just crawled out of bed, wrapped in a robe that almost touched her ankles, her pale blonde hair spilling down her back. His heart stuttered inside his chest. She was so damn beautiful…

  “Ya can’t just keep showin’ up here uninvited. Someone’s gonna see you…”

  She was right. He shouldn’t be here. He was shunned, and it wasn’t proper, but that didn’t make the barb sting any less, nor would it keep him away—especially after his oh-so-insightful meeting with Saul Heinz this morning. Opportunistic bastard…

  “Would that someone you’re so worried about happen to be Abel Adams?” He wasn’t proud of the jealousy sharpening his tone, nor did he try to hide it. Hannah had always seen through him, anyway.

  It wasn’t lost on Joe that she didn’t deny it. Instead, she fired back her own question as he pounded a new nail into a board that really should have been replaced.

  “Who told ya about Abel?”

  “I paid Saul Heinz a visit this morning—”

  “Josiah…”

  “He was the last person to see Cassie alive. He’s part of this investigation, Hannah. And he’s coming and going from this place like he owns it. Of course, I’m going to question him. He told me Abel asked you to marry him. Why didn’t you tell me that last night?”

  “Because it isn’t any of yer business.”

  Her self-righteous indignation came across loud and clear. She may have agreed to go along with him when he interviewed the victims’ families and friends, but her help in this investigation by no means meant she’d forgiven him. There was an invisible wall between them, and although he couldn’t see it, he sure as hell could sense it. Yet, not even that stopped him from asking, “What did you tell him?” He kept his attention on repairing the broken step. Joe didn’t think he could look her in the eye while she told him she was going to marry another man.

  “I haven’t answered him.”

  “But you’re thinking about it,” he pressed because, apparently, he was a masochistic sonofabitch and needed to hear her say it.

  “I wasn’t considerin’ it before. But now Cassie’s gone and—”

  “The vultures are circling,” he finished for her.

  She exhaled a sigh that ended with a soft, humorless laugh. “Ja, I guess ya could say that.”

  “Do you know Saul Heinz has a thing for you?”

  “Oh, come on now, Josiah…”

  “He does. He told me so this morning.”

  “He did?”

  Why did she sound so surprised? Was he that good at hiding his emotions or was she that oblivious to them? He’d never considered Hannah to be a naïve woman, so he’d put odds on Heinz’s superb acting skills. “Yep…” He put another nail in the board, this time with a little more gusto, swinging the hammer with accurate efficiency. It’d been a long time since he’d held one in his hand. The weight of it in his grip was comforting and familiar. Before he’d left Lancaster County, he’d wanted to be a carpenter. He’d never much cared for farming, had no interest in preaching, but he loved working with his hands.

  Joe had been so close to having everything he’d always wanted. He’d had their home all planned out in his mind, the land secured. The house would have been her wedding present. He never got to give her either one. The day he’d gone to her father to get his blessing on their marriage was the day Joe’s life had fallen apart when he’d discovered Hannah’s father had already promised her to another.

  The dowry had been accepted, contracts signed, and Hannah had been none the wiser. Her father wasn’t to be moved on it. He’d also made it clear that if Joe stood in the way, he’d see to it that Hannah was shunned. She already walked a thin line with the church for her unorthodox opinions and questionable behaviors. It wouldn’t have taken much for her father to make good on his threat. Her family meant a lot to her—especially Cassie—and he refused to be the reason she lost them.

  “Josiah, what are ya doin’?”

  “What does it look like I’m doing?” he grouched, his already foul mood turning darker with the direction of his thoughts. “I’m fixing these steps before you break your goddamn neck.”

  “Ya shouldn’t curse so…” she admonished. “And don’t ya have a murder investigation ya should be concerned about rather than my broken steps?”

  The frost in her voice was almost as chilly as the bite in the fall air. Joe paused mid-swing and canted his head to look at her. Big. Mistake. He caught another glimpse of her feet poking out from beneath her robe, and the slender curve of her ankles… From this view, he could almost see the gentle flare of her bare calves. In the secular world, he wouldn’t have given it a second thought. But he was in Lancaster, and this was Hannah.

  It was more flesh than was proper for her to show, and the bolt of lust arrowing thorough him warred with the resentment rising like a tumultuous tide. Where was her modesty? Lost on the husband who had been given everything Joe had wanted?

  “You should go inside, Hannah. You’re going to catch a chill with those bare feet.” He returned to his task, taking his frustration out on the nails.

  Those delicate toes hovered in his peripheral vision. He could sense her watching him, silence stretching between them. He was determined to ignore her—until she spoke, and those three little words gutted him.

  “Ya left me…”

  He froze, barely hearing the accusation over the pounding of his heart, every muscle in his body going ripcord tight. She had no idea. And he resented her implication that any of this was his fault. He’d sacrificed everything for her—given up who he was so she could have the life she’d always wanted close to her family. Joe was careful not to look at her, but it was impossible to keep the anger from his voice when he replied, “Has the thought not crossed your mind, not even once in the last eight years, that I did it for you?”

  “For me?! If ye’re expectin’ me to thank ya for breakin’ my heart, Josiah Troyer, then you’ll be waitin’ till hell freezes over!”

  Joe tossed the hammer aside and shot to his feet. His temper was too short, and his emotions were running too high for him to soften his words. “Would ya rather I stayed and made an adulteress out of ya?” With his anger, the lilt of his Pennsylvania Dutch accent returned, and it tasted foul on his tongue, further fueling his anger. As he advanced on her, Hannah’s vibrant blue eyes widened with surprise. She stumbled back, countering his advance until she couldn’t retreat anymore, and he planted his hands against the chipped siding, caging her in. “I would’ve gotten us both shunned because, make no mistake, if I’d stayed, ya would’ve been mine, husband or no’.”

  She gasped sharply at his confession, staring at him with scandalized shock. Hell, he should kiss the woman senseless and really scandalize her. But he’d only be torturing himself, because Hannah Beiler-Adams was not his to have.

  “Ya mustn’t say such things, Josiah.”

  “Why not? Can’t handle the truth? I suppose it’s easier to go on hating me.” He spun around, needing to pu
t some distance between himself and the only woman that had ever owned his heart.

  Her soft voice whispered behind him. “I was angry…still am…but I never hated ya, Josiah. I hated myself.”

  She sounded so sad, so…defeated. He turned back to face her, and his heart clenched, the crushing ache making it difficult to breathe. “Why would you say that?”

  “I wasn’t a good wife,” she confessed. Her eyes filled with tears, turning them into luminous pools of regret that reached into his chest and ripped his heart out.

  “I seriously doubt that—”

  “It’s true. I never loved Jacob the way he deserved. He was a good man, Josiah.”

  Of course, he was. Joe never would’ve found the strength to leave if he hadn’t been.

  “He deserved the love of a good woman, not the leftovers of a broken-hearted mess who couldn’t let go of the past. He knew I was in love with ya, and he married me anyway.”

  In that moment, her walls came down, and it was easy to see she had many regrets. If he could, he’d take her pain away, but he wasn’t sure that the truth wouldn’t hurt her more. He didn’t want her believing that he’d up and walked away from her on a whim, but what good would it do to set her straight now? He’d be in and out of her life as soon as this case was over, and she’d be left with the knowledge of her father’s betrayal. No good would come of it.

  Joe took her face in his hands, meeting those vibrant blue eyes, and said the only thing he could. “I’m so sorry, Hannah…” He’d said it last night and he’d say it again, even though it couldn’t erase the pain of the past. But it was the truth. He was so damn sorry. “I just couldn’t stay here.”

  A tear spilled down her cheek, the hot moisture collecting on his thumb and running along the side of hand. “I would have gone with ya. But ya never asked me.”

  “I know you would have, and that’s why I didn’t. I couldn’t let you give up your life for me. You would have been shunned, your family would have turned their backs on you.”

  His explanation only seemed to upset her more, and she tried to pull away, but he couldn’t let her go, not before she’d heard him out. “I know it doesn’t make sense, Hannah, and you have every right to be angry with me, but I left because I love you.”